OK, what can I say? I am a mean person. Some people just find it a lot harder to come to terms with computer technology than others......and I mock them <distant thunder of Judgement Day>

But you will have to agree these take the cake. All are supposed to be real instances of sheer PC idiocy and/or ignorance. Ones from magazines are definitely real as I have found them myself in my favourite mags. Please, sit back, and enjoy....hehehe....<evil grin>......

True Story from Lexmark:

"We once had a caller who was being talked through a paper feed issue. He was abruptly cut off from the technician. The technician called the customer back to resume the call. The customer explained he had just found a McCain oven chip in the printer and was too embarrassed to continue."

Actual Account From Quantum:

"We once had a call from a customer who tried to erase his hard drive by putting it into the microwave, which, not surprisingly, damaged the drive beyond repair."

Real Quote From Virgin:

"I took a call from a lady who complained: 'Whenever I press Ctrl+Alt+Esc, Broken Sword 2 crashes. What can I do to stop this?' To which the only real reply was: 'Don't press Ctrl+Alt+Esc.'"

Support story from Lexmark:

A caller with printer problems was being talked through doing a self-test, including disconnecting cables, pressing buttons and turning the power on. As the page printed, the customer vocalised her delight with modern technology, asking whether the technician had "sent the print job down the phone".

Real account from Creative:

"One of our customers bought a modem card with a view to using the Internet. We went through the standard troubleshooting process of installing the modem card in the machine: opening the cover, asking about expansion slots (not found), and enquiring about other similar cards installed in the machine. Our advisor then described the safety procedure to follow when opening a PC. To which the customer replied: 'What is a PC?'. He had been trying to foolishly install the card into his TV by mistake."

Funny story from Virgin:

"A colleague, Graham, was answering a call from a customer who had bought Shadows Of The Empire but didn't have one of the 3D cards listed on the side of the box. As Graham started to explain this was why the game wouldn't run, the customer began screaming down the phone at him. Graham hung up because, as he explained to us, he wouldn't put up with that behaviour from his daughter let alone a fully grown man."

Another Dopey Lexmark Customer:

"Everyone has heard the one about the woman who was speaking to MS technical support and the technician asked the woman to 'close all her windows'. The phone went quiet and when the woman returned she said she'd had trouble reaching the small window in her bathroom.

"We had a similar one where the technician asked the caller to open the door and install the cartridge. 'The bedroom door or the front door?' enquired the caller."

Actual Transcript from Virgin:

Tech : Good morning, Virgin Technical Support.
Caller: Is this technical support?
Tech : Yes.
Caller: Can I have your phone number please?
Tech : (Confused) What number did you phone in on?
Caller: Can I have your phone number please?
Tech : (Thoroughly baffled) It's this number - it's the number you've just dialled.
Caller: Thank you, goodbye.

True story from a Novell Netwire Sysop:

Caller: "Hello, is this tech support?"
Tech : "Yes it is."
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken."
Tech : "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech : "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because
            I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion at a
            trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it
            have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about
            a promotion. It just had "4X" on it."

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.

A letter to Ask The Experts at my favourite mag, PC Answers, in the January 1997 issue (PCA36). They titled the letter "Jumbled up", and the first paragraph of both question and answer just refer to a CPU issue. What follows is the second half of the letter (where it gets interesting) and the second half of the reply which is in direct response.

"My PC was built using an assortment of individual components by an experienced colleague. He suggests that I should ignore the display as it's probably a Jumbler (sic) that's not connected properly. I've also been told that there's a special oil nipple on the motherboard that makes programs run more smoothly - could you tell me where to locate this?"

"The 'jumbler' settings you refer to are in fact Jumpers. These are switches that reside on your motherboard and expansion cards, allowing you to alter settings and configuration. For all of the above you can be forgiven and PC Answers is not one to laugh in the face of a reader's adversity, but oiling a PC? Hahahaha - this made our day, although, seriously, we wouldn't advise this under any circumstances. You haven't provided us with the rest of your system specifications, but the best way to improve the efficiency of a PC is to increase its resources, especially its memory. I would advise you to seek the assistance of your 'experienced' colleague before attempting any sort of upgrade yourself."

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.  Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

HelpDesk:    "WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

Customer:    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

HelpDesk:    "What sort of trouble?"

Customer:    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

HelpDesk:    "Went away?"

Customer:    "They disappeared."

HelpDesk:    "Hmm.  So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer:    "Nothing."

HelpDesk:    "Nothing?"

Customer:    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

HelpDesk:    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer:    "How do I tell?"

HelpDesk:    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

Customer:    "What's a sea-prompt?"

HelpDesk:    "Never mind.  Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

Customer:    "There isn't any cursor.  I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

HelpDesk:    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer:    "What's a monitor?"

HelpDesk:    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer:    "I don't know."

HelpDesk:    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.  Can you see that?"

Customer:    "Yes, I think so."

HelpDesk:    "Great.  Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Customer:    ".....Yes, it is."

HelpDesk:    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Customer:    "No."

HelpDesk:    "Well, there are.  I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer:    "..... Okay, here it is."

HelpDesk:    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer:    "I can't reach."

HelpDesk:    "Uh huh.  Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer:    "No."

HelpDesk:    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer:    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

HelpDesk:    "Dark?"

Customer:    "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

HelpDesk:    "Well, turn on the office light then."

Customer:    "I can't."

HelpDesk:    "No?  Why not?"

Customer:    "Because there's a power outage."

HelpDesk:    "A power outage?  Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer:    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

HelpDesk:    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Customer:    "Really?  Is it that bad?"

HelpDesk:    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer:    "Well, all right then, I suppose.  What do I tell them?"

HelpDesk:    "Tell them you're too f©©©ing stupid to own a computer!"